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Over the last several centuries, we’ve seen the birth of a variety of ideologies. Capitalism. Socialism. Marxism. Libertarianism. Communism. Anarchism. Anarcho-Capitalism. Fascism. But never have we seen an ideology that is truly homegrown from the intellectually fertile soils of Nigeria.

Well, I am informed that this is about to change. From that most reliable bastion of Nigerian journalism - the Daily Amebo – comes a story that will send an earthquake of tsunamical proportions across the ideological landscape. Oh yes, political science will never be the same again, I tell you!

Obasanjo Launches Kampeism: “I Dey Kampe”
In an announcement that had the editors of various political science dictionaries and reference journals all over the world scrambling to update their works, President Olusegun Obasanjo today launched a brand new Nigerian-born ideology.

At a world press conference today, President Obasanjo expressed his hope that from today, the ideology – known as ‘Kampeism’ – would take root in the hearts of millions of Nigerians, Africans and human beings all over the world.

“For too long, we have had an undue emphasis on ideologies that deal with divisive matters such as resource acquisition and distribution. Unfortunately, various parties have differences of opinion on who has the right to acquire and distribute resources, so it is no accident that these ideologies are associated with a lot of the conflict that the world experiences today”, the president said.

In contrast, he went on, Kampeism sought to promote a free-wheeling, relaxed and stress-free approach to the whole business of living. “In fact”, the president enthused, “Kampeism is more than just an ideology. It is a higher state of being. It is a new consciousness, a new awareness. With Kampeism, the old things have passed away. You shall know Kampeism, and Kampeism shall set you free.”

Glowing with pride, happiness and self-satisfaction, and smiling a smile so wide that his cheeks were emitting their own light, President Obasanjo went on: “The beauty of Kampeism is its disarming simplicity. The one simple thing you need to remember is to utter those three magical words whenever you are faced with the various stresses and strife of life: I dey kampe. Then immediately, all your troubles will vanish like the fragile dew in the face of a hot morning desert sun.”

The president continued: “I know there are those amongst you who are amazed that life’s problems can be solved with such simplicity. Well, I will offer you stories from my life as a personal testimony to the efficacy of Kampeism.

“On very rare occasions, our usually reliable Power Holding Company of Nigeria fails to supply electricity to my mansion. When this happens, instead of raving and ranting as most people who are unaware of Kampeism would do, I simply relax and say ‘I dey kampe’. Then I order my servant to go and switch on my silent 25 kVA generator, and all is well once more.

“Or when I am trying to get to an important meeting and there is a traffic jam, I do not get all frustrated and angry like my fellow road users. Again, I relax, smile and say ‘I dey kampe’. Then I order a contingent of police escort motorcycles to clear the entire road so that I can arrive at the meeting on time. In addition, I order that the meeting schedule be changed so that it doesn’t start until I have arrived. And thus, my world is once more set right.

“Or sometimes, I am flying in my helicopter talking to my good friend George W. Bush on my platinum-plated Vertu signature mobile phone. Then my helicopter flies into one of the very few areas in Nigeria that my telecommunication revolution has not yet touched. In the days before Kampeism, I would have been foaming and fuming with rage. But now, I simply smile, repeat the mantra ‘I dey kampe’ and bring out my gold-plated Iridium satellite phone so that I can resume the conversation. Kampeism to the rescue once more.”

President Obasanjo beamed at his audience and continued, “So you can see how Kampeism has helped me and how it can help you too in these everyday, commonplace situations. It is a philosophy and ideology I most heartily recommend not just to everyone present here today, but to everyone in this city, this state, this country and this world of ours.”

The president then signalled his intention to take questions from the journalists gathered at the occasion. The question and answer session went like this:

“Your Excellency, could you please comment on the spate of ethnic and religious clashes that has plagued the nation over the last few years?”

“I dey kampe.”

“Your Excellency, what do you have to say about the ongoing crisis in the Niger-Delta region?”

“I dey kampe.”

“Your Excellency, do you have any comment to make about the allegations that you are running for a third term in office?”

“I dey kampe.”

“Your Excellency, is there any truth in the rumours that you are using the instruments of the state to witch-hunt your perceived enemies?”

“I dey kampe.”

“Your Excellency, is it not the case that this new ‘ideology’ is nothing but a testament to how out of touch you are with the lives of ordinary Nigerians in that you erroneously believe that the resources that are required to practice Kampeism should be available to every Nigerian?”

At this point, a cold, dark silence descended upon the audience at the press conference. Even the cocks outside froze in mid-crow and the goats stopped in mid-chew, wondering about the kind of person that would ask such a dangerously suicidal question.

After an unnervingly lengthy period of time, the president slowly turned to face the journalist that had asked the last question, a look of pure venom on his face. “Young man”, the president growled in uncompromisingly menacing tones, “young man, I tell you that if you had asked me the question before my Kampeist days, I would personally have descended on you myself to teach you a lesson never to be forgotten.”

Then the president smiled. “But I dey kampe, so I will not lay a finger on you myself. I will delegate that job to others… Fani! Kayode! Please attend to this young man.” Suddenly, from apparently nowhere, two large rottweiler dogs burst in the conference hall and made straight for the hapless journalist who managed to escape through a window, but not before the dogs had ripped his trousers from him.

Reacting to the launch of the new ideology, Professor (Dr.) Chief Kanganka O. Kanganka, B.Sc. M.Sc. Ph.D. FNIK, Director of the Institute of Kampeology announced that it was a welcome development. “For many years, we have had an alarming increase in the level of stress and strife in this nation, so I am pleased that the president has shown the vision and courage to launch this new ideology to redress the situation. In fact, considering that I will shortly be expecting a flood of new admissions into the institute, I dey kampe wellu wellu!”

When asked what qualifications were required to enter the Institute, Professor Kanganka replied everyone had the seeds of Kampeitude in them, and that no special paper qualification was needed. “Just come as you are, and we will help you tend and nurture these seeds so that you are eventually able express the serenity and contentment that is the cornerstone of Kampeism. I assure you, when you have completed the course, instead of bellowing, you will be mellowing. Instead of screaming, you will be beaming.”

“Of course, you will also bring along the token tuition fee of N5,000,000″, he added.

Author: Shoko Loko Bangoshe