Well, I am informed that this is about to change. From that most reliable bastion of Nigerian journalism – the Daily Amebo – comes a story that will send an earthquake of tsunamical proportions across the ideological landscape. Oh yes, political science will never be the same again, I tell you!

Obasanjo Launches Kampeism: “I Dey Kampe”
In an announcement that had the editors of various political science dictionaries and reference journals all over the world scrambling to update their works, President Olusegun Obasanjo today launched a brand new Nigerian-born ideology.

At a world press conference today, President Obasanjo expressed his hope that from today, the ideology – known as ‘Kampeism’ – would take root in the hearts of millions of Nigerians, Africans and human beings all over the world.

“For too long, we have had an undue emphasis on ideologies that deal with divisive matters such as resource acquisition and distribution. Unfortunately, various parties have differences of opinion on who has the right to acquire and distribute resources, so it is no accident that these ideologies are associated with a lot of the conflict that the world experiences today”, the president said.

In contrast, he went on, Kampeism sought to promote a free-wheeling, relaxed and stress-free approach to the whole business of living. “In fact”, the president enthused, “Kampeism is more than just an ideology. It is a higher state of being. It is a new consciousness, a new awareness. With Kampeism, the old things have passed away. You shall know Kampeism, and Kampeism shall set you free.”

Glowing with pride, happiness and self-satisfaction, and smiling a smile so wide that his cheeks were emitting their own light, President Obasanjo went on: “The beauty of Kampeism is its disarming simplicity. The one simple thing you need to remember is to utter those three magical words whenever you are faced with the various stresses and strife of life: I dey kampe. Then immediately, all your troubles will vanish like the fragile dew in the face of a hot morning desert sun.”

The president continued: “I know there are those amongst you who are amazed that life’s problems can be solved with such simplicity. Well, I will offer you stories from my life as a personal testimony to the efficacy of Kampeism.

“On very rare occasions, our usually reliable Power Holding Company of Nigeria fails to supply electricity to my mansion. When this happens, instead of raving and ranting as most people who are unaware of Kampeism would do, I simply relax and say ‘I dey kampe’. Then I order my servant to go and switch on my silent 25 kVA generator, and all is well once more.

“Or when I am trying to get to an important meeting and there is a traffic jam, I do not get all frustrated and angry like my fellow road users. Again, I relax, smile and say ‘I dey kampe’. Then I order a contingent of police escort motorcycles to clear the entire road so that I can arrive at the meeting on time. In addition, I order that the meeting schedule be changed so that it doesn’t start until I have arrived. And thus, my world is once more set right.

“Or sometimes, I am flying in my helicopter talking to my good friend George W. Bush on my platinum-plated Vertu signature mobile phone. Then my helicopter flies into one of the very few areas in Nigeria that my telecommunication revolution has not yet touched. In the days before Kampeism, I would have been foaming and fuming with rage. But now, I simply smile, repeat the mantra ‘I dey kampe’ and bring out my gold-plated Iridium satellite phone so that I can resume the conversation. Kampeism to the rescue once more.”

President Obasanjo beamed at his audience and continued, “So you can see how Kampeism has helped me and how it can help you too in these everyday, commonplace situations. It is a philosophy and ideology I most heartily recommend not just to everyone present here today, but to everyone in this city, this state, this country and this world of ours.”

The president then signalled his intention to take questions from the journalists gathered at the occasion. The question and answer session went like this:

“Your Excellency, could you please comment on the spate of ethnic and religious clashes that has plagued the nation over the last few years?”

“I dey kampe.”

“Your Excellency, what do you have to say about the ongoing crisis in the Niger-Delta region?”

“I dey kampe.”

“Your Excellency, do you have any comment to make about the allegations that you are running for a third term in office?”

“I dey kampe.”

“Your Excellency, is there any truth in the rumours that you are using the instruments of the state to witch-hunt your perceived enemies?”

“I dey kampe.”

“Your Excellency, is it not the case that this new ‘ideology’ is nothing but a testament to how out of touch you are with the lives of ordinary Nigerians in that you erroneously believe that the resources that are required to practice Kampeism should be available to every Nigerian?”

At this point, a cold, dark silence descended upon the audience at the press conference. Even the cocks outside froze in mid-crow and the goats stopped in mid-chew, wondering about the kind of person that would ask such a dangerously suicidal question.

After an unnervingly lengthy period of time, the president slowly turned to face the journalist that had asked the last question, a look of pure venom on his face. “Young man”, the president growled in uncompromisingly menacing tones, “young man, I tell you that if you had asked me the question before my Kampeist days, I would personally have descended on you myself to teach you a lesson never to be forgotten.”

Then the president smiled. “But I dey kampe, so I will not lay a finger on you myself. I will delegate that job to others… Fani! Kayode! Please attend to this young man.” Suddenly, from apparently nowhere, two large rottweiler dogs burst in the conference hall and made straight for the hapless journalist who managed to escape through a window, but not before the dogs had ripped his trousers from him.

Reacting to the launch of the new ideology, Professor (Dr.) Chief Kanganka O. Kanganka, B.Sc. M.Sc. Ph.D. FNIK, Director of the Institute of Kampeology announced that it was a welcome development. “For many years, we have had an alarming increase in the level of stress and strife in this nation, so I am pleased that the president has shown the vision and courage to launch this new ideology to redress the situation. In fact, considering that I will shortly be expecting a flood of new admissions into the institute, I dey kampe wellu wellu!”

When asked what qualifications were required to enter the Institute, Professor Kanganka replied everyone had the seeds of Kampeitude in them, and that no special paper qualification was needed. “Just come as you are, and we will help you tend and nurture these seeds so that you are eventually able express the serenity and contentment that is the cornerstone of Kampeism. I assure you, when you have completed the course, instead of bellowing, you will be mellowing. Instead of screaming, you will be beaming.”

“Of course, you will also bring along the token tuition fee of N5,000,000″, he added.

Author: Shoko Loko Bangoshe

Babacracy: Unitary system of Governnment headed by a powerful life President. Minimum age of 60 required. See also, Nigerian “democracy”.

Chief: Traditional title sold by traditional rulers to the highest bidder.

Honorary degree: A “doctorate” degree confered on an individual by a higher Institution primarily as a form of political patronage.

Privatisation: Sale of public property to members of a countries’ ruling political party and other sycophants.

BPE: Bureau of Private Enrichment. See also, Privatisation.

Runway: Recreation park for cattle

Democracy defenders: People who “oppose” the ruling party on the basis of their exclusion from revenue “sharing.”

No-go-area: The real problem with a country that are not supposed to be discussed while trivial matters are being discussed. See also, Federalism, resource control, e.t.c

Court order: Worthless piece of paper that is not binding on the Presidential and Legislative arms of government.

Sacred cows: Members of the ruling party of a nation.

Universities: Nigerian synonym for glorified secondary schools.

Probe panel: Job opportunity for unemployed political hangers-on. See also, constitutional reform committee, Oputa panel e.t.c

Mantu (n) m-a-n-t-o-o: A tool used for illegal manipulation of constitutions.

Third term (adj) thûrd tûrm: Nigerian euphemism for life Presidency.

Public hearing (adj) pub•lic hîr ng: Secret meetings held by Politicians with the aim of feathering their own nests.

Patriotism (adv) p tr – -t z m : A word used to describe unquestionable loyalty to the President.

Election (n) -l k sh n: Selection of party loyalists by the President to political office.

Blueprint: A government paper detailing fantasy white elephant projects. Used primarily as a political tool to deceive the people.

Communique/report: worthless piece of document released at the close of lectures, seminars, probe panels and or committees. Usually contains grandiose speeches, unrealistic goals, castles in the air e.t.c See also, National political Reform committee report, Vision 2010 report.

Budget: Annual ritual by the legislative and Presidential arms of Government detailing resource meant to be “shared” amongst the three tiers of Political office holders.

Ecological fund: Money meant for electioneering campaigns, sharing among party chieftains, foreign bank accounts e.t.c See also, Dariye

Security Vote: Pocket money meant for Political office holders.

Sources:
- http://davidylan.blogspot.com/2006/03/know-your-nigerian-political.html
- http://davidylan.blogspot.com/2006/03/nigerian-political-dictionary-ii.html

I don’t know, but isn’t this dictionary itself quite unpatriotic?

1. So that EFCC can continue to witch hunt those who oppose Obj and ICPC will remain powerless.
2. To make sure generator importers continue in business since PHCN(Please Have Handles Nearby) won’t work.
3. Air crashes can continue and nobody (maybe except a hapless grass cutting laborer)will be found guilty of dysfunctional airports and aircrafts.
4. IGP and other top security brass will continue to steal 17 billion naira and spend six months, sorry one and half months, in jail because the remaining four and half months would have been spent in cosy,comfortable detention.
5. So that top politicians and government functionaries, like Bola Ige, Marshall Harry, Dikibo, can be assassinated and their assassins never found. In fact key suspects will be voted to top political positions while awaiting trial from jail.
6. Banking reforms may continue and see to it that more bankers lose their jobs. We just have to inflate the jobless market.
7. We definitely need more militias.How else can the guns used for rigging elections be put to use in non election times.
8. Governors need to siphon more money abroad to build refineries there.We need more governors like Alams who can easily wear a 2.5 million dollar wrist watch.
9. We need more armed robbers sorry, policemen, to collect twenty naira at toll gates, what is wrong with me, I meant to say, police check points. Anyway,IGPs need to have a few billions of their own.
10. More potholes are absolutely necessary. How else can we slow down our journeys and allow the real armed robbers rob of us of our hard earned cash.
11. Did I forget to say we need godfathers who can remove governors according to their whims and caprices, Oyo and Anambra states must be replicated all over the nation.
12. In fact,we just need a man who can mess things up for all of us since we are sub humans who do not deserve a better life and who else can achieve all the lofty goals but the great Obasanjo.

He goes on to suggest that President Obasanjo might be following in the hallowed footsteps of great men like General Sani Abacha of Nigeria and Mobutu Sese Seko of former Zaire.

Source: www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-8327.0.html

“Fellow Nigerians, I can see that you are enjoying the performance of the Super Eagles so far. My heart lept with joy and flew to heaven when Taye Taiwo scored that last minute goal. It felt really good to beat the Ghanaians, our arch-rivals in football. Yes, yes, I know you all love the game, and I love it too. But if you don’t support my 3rd term bid, the Super Eagles will not lift that cup. They will not win unless you cooperate.”

“There are some of you who feel that I am not the best choice for the presidency in 2007. 100 million Nigerians, according to polls. All I am going to say is this: do you know that if the NFA account suddenly gets frozen, and they are unable to pay the Super Eagles’ allowances and expenses anymore, then our team is going to crash, and break into pieces, and burn out of the Nation’s cup? That is what will happen if you fail to support my third term bid. And it will be your fault.”

“I want every single one of you to write the following statements on a sheet of paper: (1) I will vote for President Obasanjo if he contests for a third term in office. (2) I am in support of any law that seeks to imprison those who campaign against President Obasanjo’s third term bid or try to run for president (3) I believe that President Obasanjo is the messiah that Nigeria needs, and anyone who is not with us is against us and should be prosecuted by EFCC. Then sign it and send to my office.”

“If I do not get 100 million signed slips by this time tomorrow morning, I am freezing the NFA account, and there is nothing that any court or national assembly can do to make me reverse that decision. The Super Eagles are going to fall from the sky of Egypt 2006 and it will be your fault. If they fall to the ground and their wings are broken and they fail to be crowned nations cup champions, their blood shall be on your head.”

Critics have referred to this unusually vicious and cruel move by the president as a desperate bid by a desperate man to rule the country for 4 more years, but the presidential spokesman Chief Femi “The Presidency” Fani-Kayode , has maintained that there is no third term ambition. In his words, “the presidency vigorously insists that we have no plan to run for third term. We have no third term ambition whatsoever, never have, and never will. Don’t mind the president.”

Nigerians are very upset with the president because it will take more than 24 hours to deliver the required 100 million signatures to the president’s desk. A spokesman for the NLC commented, “well now that the president has come up with this arrangement, we have no choice but to cooperate. I mean this is the African Nations Cup we’re talking about! We are appealing to the president to give us more time to obtain the signatures. We need at least 3 days. Oga president please have mercy and spare our Eagles!”

We have decided to publish a transcript of the controversial prophecies. This is the most respected man of God in Nigeria, and his words have never fallen to the ground. We all need to study these prophecies so we too can decide whether to zealously ignore them along with the thousands of others who have been mightily unimpressed by them.

1. “The Lord says that Nigeria will be the giant of Africa next year. During the year 2007, there is not going to be a single country throughout Africa with a population as great as ours. As long as we serve him faithfully and attend church regularly, the Lord says our children shall be as numerous as the sands on ten mountains. Crowd: “Amen!”

2. “Some fertile married women will deliver babies in 2007, while many children currently in primary six will gain admission into secondary schools. Many of you who are brilliant final year students in higher institutions will graduate with flying colors during 2007. Most engaged couples with weddings fixed for 2007 will get married!” Crowd: “Amen!”

3. “Daddy says that in the year 2007 there will be a dry season and a rainy season. For Christians, the dry season in January may dry up any puddles on their streets and the rainy season in August will bring them massive showers of water from heaven. Unbelievers will experience the scorching sun during the dry season and their children will be scared by thunder and lightening during the August rains.” Crowd: “Amen!”

4. “Something very bad – very very bad – is going to happen sometime in 2007. I can’t tell you what it is now, but baba says we need to pray to avert this great tragedy from our nation. He says those who dodge their tithes and offerings may be the ones hardest hit by this looming maliase. Nigeria needs to be very very afraid in this next year 2007!” Crowd: “Jesus!”

“Note: You will need to attend the Holy Ghost convention every month till the end of 2007 so we can cry to God and ask him to spare Nigeria from the tragedy, which I will explain to you in 2008 after it has happened.”
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Background: Pastor Adeboye Says Satan Planned 49 Plane Crashes

- There will be no ethnic or religious violence throughout the year.

- Pigs will fly.

- All the 20-33 corrupt Nigerian governors will be prosecuted by the EFCC without favor.

- The world will end.

- Electricity supply under PHCN will become stable, sufficient and predictable.

- Eskimos will buy freezers.

- MTN Nigeria will take the lead in further reductions in cost of GSM calls.

- Osama Bin Ladin will rule America.

- Asari Dokubo and the MASSOB leaders will be acquited and discharged.

- Hitler will cross to heaven.

- Majority of Nigerians will accept and support President Obasanjo’s third term ambition.

- Hell will freeze over.

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Hint: read the alternating lines.

Trouble started when the President registered on Nairaland with the intention of sending a message to his political supporters. His topic was titled “ATTN: POLITICAL SUPPORTERS“. The ever vigilant admin Seun immediately wrote in to ask him to change to lowercase, saying “didn’t you read the rules?”

The president replied “young man, do you know who I am?” which got Seun so angry that he banned him from Nairaland and displayed the message “inconsequential idiot” whenever the president tried to login. He did not realise his error until much later when he discovered the president’s email address president@nigeria.gov.ng in his database.

He has since been arrested and charged with treason alongside Dokubo and Uwazurike, fellow troublers of the nation.

According to a CBN Statement, “that accursed Naira sign consists of a capital letter N crossed by 2 lines. Now we all know that N stands for Nigeria, but until recently we did not know that the two horizontal lines crossing the N represent the words ‘will never prosper‘ in British Secret Service code. So each time you write the Naira sign, you are cursing Nigeria; you are actually saying, ‘Nigeria will never prosper!’”

A New Naira sign, the Nigeria Rocks Naira, has been created by the CBN to replace the Naira Sign. The CBN Governor, Professor Charles Soludo, has presented a 10 billion dollar “Wipe Out That Naira” plan to help phase out the accursed Naira sign from all existing Naira notes, accounting records, school textbooks, notebooks, and websites in Nigeria and overseas.

He proclaimed, “the day we wipe out the last traces of that accursed Naira symbol, Nigeria will become a prosperous land flowing with milk, honey, and many many cookies!”

“That Naira sign is the single greatest obstacle that stands in the way of Nigeria’s progress. Why do we have ethnic rivalry that leads to bloody clashes every year? The Naira sign. What is responsible for the instability in the Niger Delta? The Naira sign. Why are our leaders corrupt? The Naira sign. Why are there so many Nigerian scammers? The Naira sign. Why is it that despite our oil wealth we have been unable to build a stable, secure and prosperous democracy? That accursed Naira sign!”

Various professionals have written in to say that the Naira sign doesn’t exactly mean “Nigeria will never prosper”. The accountants believe it means “Nigeria will never balance”. Engineers and mathematicians insist that it represents the “fundamental nullity of the Nigerian entity”. Most people seem to prefer the simple interpretation “Nigeria cancel“. But one fact is not disputed: that the Naira sign brings bad luck to this country and it needs to be phased out.

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aqua from Nairaland would prefer a Naira sign with a halo, representing the good work of the EFCC in dealing with corruption.