Sexy Charles Soludo Plans To Recapitalize Nigeria

CBN Governor Charles Soludo is a very sexy man, He was chosen as the world’s sexiest banker for his feat of making his picture appear in 4 out of every 5 newspapers editions published in Nigeria during 2006. He has cute dimples, lovely brown skin and an infectious smile that makes it easy for us to forget the unemployment he created in the banking sector to reduce his workload as regulator.

If elected as president in 2007, he plans to weed out the weak and poor Nigerians who have been tainted by corruption: by increasing the minimum capitalization requirement of each Nigerian from 0 naira to 400,000 naira. Individuals who cannot raise 400,000 naira cash are advised to put themselves up for acquisition by rich friends or relatives, or else they run the risk of being made available for cherry-picking by slave-masters at 1 naira each.

Okotie’s Tithe As You Earn Plan Wows Pastors

Following his presentation of a novel “Tithe As You Earn” plan to the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN), Chris Okotie has been chosen as the 2007 presidential candidate of choice for the followers of Jesus. The plan mandates employers to pay 10% out of each employee’s salary to CAN, so that “the windows of heaven can be opened and blessings poured on poor Christians, who normally dodge their tithes in order to have enough food to eat”.

Following the agreement, Prophet TB Joshua, Chris Oyakhilome and Tunde Bakare have agreed to join CAN in order to lend their support to this powerful move of the Holy Spirit. “Malachi 3:16, which clearly lays down the necessity of tithing, is the only Old Testament commandment that New Testament Christians are required to follow,” they explained, “and so we have decided to set aside our doctrinal differences and collect this money in unity”.

Teenager Warns Fellow Teenagers To Beware Of Good Friends

Miss Bit Che, a 13 year old blogger, has warned fellow teenagers to “beware of good friends who make you feel important”. Such friends, she said, lure you into friendship by “being there for you, using kind words exclusively, and sometimes buying small gifts”. “When you are sad, they make you happy. When you are discouraged, they encourage you and motivate you. They don’t criticize or give unsolicited advice.” According to her, such good friends are dangerous because they make you feel as if you are important and worth it. Whereas you are not.

We have decided to publish a transcript of the controversial prophecies. This is the most respected man of God in Nigeria, and his words have never fallen to the ground. We all need to study these prophecies so we too can decide whether to zealously ignore them along with the thousands of others who have been mightily unimpressed by them.

1. “The Lord says that Nigeria will be the giant of Africa next year. During the year 2007, there is not going to be a single country throughout Africa with a population as great as ours. As long as we serve him faithfully and attend church regularly, the Lord says our children shall be as numerous as the sands on ten mountains. Crowd: “Amen!”

2. “Some fertile married women will deliver babies in 2007, while many children currently in primary six will gain admission into secondary schools. Many of you who are brilliant final year students in higher institutions will graduate with flying colors during 2007. Most engaged couples with weddings fixed for 2007 will get married!” Crowd: “Amen!”

3. “Daddy says that in the year 2007 there will be a dry season and a rainy season. For Christians, the dry season in January may dry up any puddles on their streets and the rainy season in August will bring them massive showers of water from heaven. Unbelievers will experience the scorching sun during the dry season and their children will be scared by thunder and lightening during the August rains.” Crowd: “Amen!”

4. “Something very bad – very very bad – is going to happen sometime in 2007. I can’t tell you what it is now, but baba says we need to pray to avert this great tragedy from our nation. He says those who dodge their tithes and offerings may be the ones hardest hit by this looming maliase. Nigeria needs to be very very afraid in this next year 2007!” Crowd: “Jesus!”

“Note: You will need to attend the Holy Ghost convention every month till the end of 2007 so we can cry to God and ask him to spare Nigeria from the tragedy, which I will explain to you in 2008 after it has happened.”
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Background: Pastor Adeboye Says Satan Planned 49 Plane Crashes

When the NBC announced a ban on the broadcasting of unverified miracles on Nigerian TV stations, Pentecostal Christians were not bothered because they knew for sure that miracles performed by their pastors were genuine and would easily be verified by doctors and investigators in their various congregations.

Yet more than 2 years later, the men of God have not yet been able to present even one substantiated miracle. They have been forced to stop broadcasting their miracle services, healing meetings, and power-packed crusades because, as Pastor Chris revealed, the Lord Almighty has been hindering them.

He went on to give us various examples of cases in which God’s interference prevented his team of investigators from being able to prove the genuineness of some previously televised miracles:

• The case of a man who was raised from the dead during a crusade. After collecting a generous amount of money to rebuild his newly-regained life, he and his friends never came back to the church. God must have made them ungrateful for their miracle or forgetful so they didn’t remember the address of the church.
• The case of the blind whose eyes were opened, the lame who walked, or deaf and dumb whose tongues were loosed and ears opened during atmosphere for miracles. Their family members were unable to remember that they had suffered for years under the curse of blindness, lameness, or deafness and dumbness for years before their miraculous release by the Holy Spirit.
• The case of a woman who was miraculously healed of HIV/AIDS in healing school. When investigators visited her house to retrieve the HIV test she took prior to her healing, they couldn’t find it. Because God had hidden it in a safe place. When they visited her doctor, God erased his memory so he couldn’t remember ever having tested the woman for HIV!

Pastor Chris says he knows for sure that Satan is not to blame for these cases, because “Satan cannot operate in the presence of men of faith who are walking in the anointing … hallelujah!” All the miracle investigators are spirit-filled born again lieutenants in God’s army and therefore nothing but an act of God could prevent them from accomplishing their mission.

However, it is difficult to understand why God is working so hard to discredit his own miracles. Perhaps God is afraid that almost all of those who witness the verified miracles on TV will get converted and heaven will be over-crowded? No one knows for sure.

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Previously:
* Pastor Chris Oyakhilome: Interview
* The NBC Ban of Unverified TV Miracles